


In His Mind

by paralleltales



Series: chenle is hurting and jisung is helping [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Body Image, Chensung are my sons, Crying, Cuddling, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 21:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15128405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paralleltales/pseuds/paralleltales
Summary: Chenle’s not used to being insecure- and Jisung hates that he finally understands it.





	In His Mind

Chenle was used to being praised. It felt arrogant to say it out loud, but it was true. He was used to being called cute, being the “handsome one” within their family and having compliments lathered upon his voice. All that changed when he joined SM. He had to learn that he wasn’t the best of the best anymore, that he was just another kid to be shaped into whatever mould the higher-ups wanted. Once upon a time, he’d been sure of himself, he’d even go as far as to say that he was confident. Jisung had been friends with him even back then, and the stark contrast between Chenle then and Chenle now was bleak and jarring. Almost as if the one thing he wanted to do the most was destroying him from the inside out.

He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment the insecurity has kicked in, the day he started taking out all his frustrations and fears on a body that had done nothing to him but keep him alive. But he had, and he did so in any way possible. He had slashed open his arms (only where it wasn’t visible, so as to avoid the hyungs’ eagle eyes), starved himself for days on end and spent nights curled up on the bathroom floor with the tap running so no one could hear him retching. It was a terrible way to live, but he was alive. That was the logic he used to convince himself that yes, he was ok and that what he was doing was absolutely normal. At the very least, he felt in control. So much of his life was controlled by other people, but he was the boss of himself. If he was holding a razor, or secretly trashing a plate of food (he hated doing this, especially when Renjun made him Chinese food) it was his decision.

Eventually though, it had become an addiction. He had kept a scale and a measuring tape in the secret drawer in Dream’s dorm, hidden away from any judgement. The one time Mark had found them, he lied and said it was for online shopping. Mark clearly didn’t buy it, but he kept quiet after that. Every week, while the others were at dinner, he would just spend an hour staring at himself in the mirror. Criticising every feature, measuring everywhere he could, and trying every posture and centre of gravity to get the lowest number possible on the scale. He spent most of his days hungry and miserable, but nothing could combat how elated he felt when the number was lower than the day before. He faced a dilemma when they were travelling, while the others enjoyed the local cuisine, he concocted a web of lies from vegetarianism to allergies. He nearly gave in to a bowl of biryani while they were in Dubai, but the voice in his head had given him quite the proverbial slap on the wrist. Like, it was more a punch in the face. But he took it in stride.

He took the constant self loathing in stride.

He took the voice in his head always telling him to aim lower in stride.

He took the dizziness and light headedness in stride.

Shit. Not again.

And with all the grace he could manage, while the whole practise room stared at him, he crumpled to floor.  
________________

Jisung knew something was up with Chenle. He had known it for a while, and today only confirmed it. Knew that no one left the water in the bathroom running for 30 minutes, knew that none of the allergies Chenle claimed he had were real, noticed that he never actually put any food in his mouth when they were eating together, simply pushed it around the plate. His heart hurt even at the idea that Chenle didn’t think of himself as perfection, when he saw him as a living, breathing angel. To see him passed out on the floor, his body finally giving out, stung him at the core. He wanted to rush in and pick the smaller boy up, wanted to stroke his fluffy blonde hair and cuddle him. Jisung just wanted to make his Lele feel safe and loved. Loved most of all. There were thousands- and if their MV views were anything to go by, millions- of people who loved them, and made it known. But he understood how someone his age could feel disconnected, even alone.

He hated that someone as kind and gentle as Chenle had to feel that way, but for now he couldn’t do anything. He just had to watch as a staff member carried him out and called the hospital. His heart was in his chest, and his breathing was spiralling out of control. They were rushed back to their dorm, where all he did for the next 2 hours was pace around him and Chenle’s room.  
Chenle eventually staggered through the door of their room with a lollipop in his mouth, only semi-coherent. He flopped down on the bed and Jisung had to hold back from pelting him with kisses right then and there. But first and foremost, they had to discuss the elephant in the room. He spent ten minutes trying to psych himself up to start the conversation, but he heard a small voice strain out to him.

“Jisungie?” Chenle’s cheeks were still flushed with fever.

Jisung leapt up at his words. “Yes?”

“Are you mad at me?” Chenle’s eyes were barely peeking out over the blanket. Jisung was about to cry from the sheer ache in his heart.

“Why on Earth would I be mad at you?”  
“Because I made all of you panic? Because I made a scene?”  
“You passed out- how is any of that your fault? I’m not mad at you for passing out, am I slightly mad over what you’ve been doing to yourself? Yes, yes I am. But at the end of the day, the person who was hurt the most was you. I can’t stand that.”

Chenle just took a deep breath. Jisung continued.

“I’m not going to pretend I understand your reasoning, or that I’m completely fine with what’s been happening. But I do want to hear it from you so that we can make it better.” He laced his fingers through the older boy’s. “Together.”

Chenle began to sob quietly.

“I- I just needed some control. We spend nearly every hour of the day being told what to do and who to be by someone else, and I get that. I signed up for it. But what kills me is that even with all of that instruction, I’m still behind all of you. I was a trainee for two months. That’s not enough- I’m dragging the six of you down and it’s eating me alive.”

Jisung’s jaw dropped. He had no idea how one of the most talented people alive had such a low opinion of himself, he pulled Chenle onto his lap and buried his head into the nape of his neck.

“You trained for two months because you were that talented. We’ve been friends for God knows how long now, and I’ve seen just how much you can mesmerise people.” He looped his arm around the blonde’s waist. “Is it cheesy to say that I say you as an angel on Earth? Well- I do. And for the record, you have really nice legs.” Chenle giggled and elbowed him in the ribs. “I know we can’t fix this overnight, but promise me you’ll go easier on yourself? Pinky promise?”

Chenle looked at him with the most endearing expression he’d ever seen on a person.

“Will you help?”  
“Of course.”  
"Then pinky promise.”

The two spent the whole night discussing conspiracies and watching Studio Ghibli movies. They had achieved a level of cuteness that was near disgustingly precious and made the elder members of Dream steer clear of their room well into the night, for fear of their teeth rotting due to the sweetness.  
________________

Chenle woke up first, with Jisung’s arms still locked around his waist and his head buried in his hair. Every part of him wanted to rush to the bathroom and grab the scale, but he resisted- why would he leave this perfect scenario behind in favour of another day of making himself miserable? He had promised Jisung he would go easy on himself, and it sure as heck wouldn’t happen overnight. But deep in his heart, he knew that they’d be ok.

He knew that he’d be ok.


End file.
